8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown – 43

8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown – 43


ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,Sean Lock,Sarah Millican,Johnny Vegas,Rob Beckett,Vic Reeves,Susie Dentand Rachel Riley.Now welcome your host Jimmy Carr!(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)Hello, and welcome
to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.Did you know, for example,there are 42 different references
to food in the Bible –nuts, crackers and fruitcakesare just some of the people
that believe in it.In Cockney rhyming slang,
“baked bean” means “queen”,whilst “ducking bassist”
is rhyming slag for Prince Philip.And four-eyes is a derogatory term
for someone who wears glasses,which is clearly a completely
unacceptable nameto give speccy, swot-faced losers,
so please…..stop calling dorky, Harry Potter
virgins that in the future,thank you.Right, let’s get started.OK, let’s meet tonight’s players.
First up, it’s Sean Lock.(CHEERING)Sean used to work in a hospital
and part of his job –and this is absolutely true –was stopping people eating old food
out of the bins.Basically, what I’m sayingis Sean and Johnny Vegas
go way back.Joining Sean tonight
is Johnny Vegas.They say what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas.Well, I’ve been in the toilet
after him, and let me tell you,that is not true.Up against them this evening,it’s our special guest captain
Sarah Millican.Everyone in Newcastle loves Sarah –from the drunk, unemployed man
sitting on the park bench,to the drunk, unemployed man
standing next to the park bench,they’re all big fans.And Sarah’s teammate, Rob Beckett.Hi. Hello.Tonight, Rob is worried he might
have bitten off more than he can
chew.Don’t worry, Rob – I don’t think
there’s anything you couldn’t chew.Where would Rob be without comedy?I imagine beavering away,constructing a dam
out of twigs and moss.Now, you’ve got a 100%
losing record on Countdown.Yeah, I’m starting to get
quite proud of that now.Do you think you can, sort of,
break your duck this evening?I’ve been practising – I thought,
“Gotta up my game, it’s not going
well,”so I’ve been doing, like,
some reading. Um…And just been doing
some quick adding up.5 + 7=12Just like that. 12 + 0=12So, that was the only other one
you could think of?I’m really good at 12.Sarah, are you a romantic person,
would you say?Um, I can be.What’s the most romantic thing
you’ve ever done?I once waxed my bikini line
for my husband. Well, I mean, I dropped a bit
of sticky toffee pudding and…(LAUGHTER)It came up smashing, it really did.
I recommend it to anybody. I’m not allowed in Frankie
& Benny’s anymore, though.You’ve not had an awful lot of
success as team captainon Cats Does Countdown.
No.If you win tonight,
how will you celebrate?Well, it’s unlikely, but if I do,
I think I’d mount Sean. Like, not in a sexy way –
like, on my wall.I think I’ll be safe.I think you’ll be safe as well.Um…Johnny, what do you think
your strengths are?I honestly think, tonight,
I’m a good listener…And I’m…I’m kind of in awe
of Sean, so as a captain…Why are you in awe of Sean?
What do you mean, “why”?He’s the moody uncle I never had.All I’ve had in my life is too much
cosseting and too much loveand people allowed me to
carry on eating and drinkingand just kept patting me
on the head.Sean’s like a life coach.Hm, and I do it all with my eyes. I just go…Your forehead is doing
a lot of work, there.And that makes me feel like a puppy
that’s peed on the rug of life.OK – you used to work
as a door-to-door salesman, Johnny.Um…yeah, I did, a bit.
I did three nights.You did three nights?
What did you sell?When lots of people bought
their council houses,I went door-to-door and offered
to service all their gas devices.We would come in and, for only £25,
we would service every deviceand that would cover you for a year,so your initial call-out charge
would be covered under that £25.Um…I didn’t know you were going
to ask me about that.In fairness, I thought
you were going to ask mewhy I’m wearing
this ridiculous fecking shirtthat’s got naked women on it.I look like I fly a helicopter
in Barbados.(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)There’s a woman by the buttonhole
with her legs akimbo.Jimmy, that’s what I thought
we’d be discussing,not my shady past
going door-to-door.So don’t do your, “Oh, let’s move
on, that was a bit quiet.”All I’m saying, Johnny,
all I’m saying –and I’ll stand by my point…Don’t fit, does it?!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)All fat men do it,
they’re in denial.They outgrow their wardrobe,
so they just put a T-shirt onwith a wide-open shirt.It’s got naked…I can’t do it!It’s got naked women all over it.I never thought I’d be embarrassed
by what I was wearingby Johnny Vegas.That one,
she’s playing with herself.And I’m supposed to think
about long mathematics?Yeah, it’s the shirt
that’s distracting.I’ve got tiny tits
brushing against me ear.OK, Sean…
Look, I have two…Sean, Sean, Sean…Sean?You just switched him off.
How do you do that? He said a word, Johnny just went…Sean, what’s the biggest compliment
you’ve ever been given?Oh, well, there’s so many. Um… I think probably the one
that filled me with pride and made me feel I had a spring
in my step all day was one time, I bent over in the street
to tie my shoelaces and someone mistook me
for Uma Thurman. And that…that was
a wonderful feeling.Johnny, have you got a mascot
this evening?I have.
I…could not be prouder of this.My mascot is that recently, 2000 AD,
the comic that I collected…(YAWNS) Sorry, I don’t mean
to be yawning, it’s coincidental.What, that yawn?You know what? I am in awe of you
and we do get on really well,but if you yawn
when I talk about this,I will stick that fucking counter…Johnny? Johnny, bring it out again.
What? Yeah.Make sure you get the yawn.I’m really excited about this.Go on, what have you got?(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)What is it, Johnny?Um…2000 AD.Judge Dredd, yeah.
Yeah, Judge Dredd.Recently, I was drawn in
to the Judge Dredd comic stripas Judge Vegas.(LAUGHTER)The only thing that puzzles me
is that the balloon should be fucking massive.(LAUGHS)Yeah, I make two appearances
in 2000 AD and this is, um…Well, that’s bloody tremendous.
It is – this is a life-changer.This is where the vodka ends
and the gin begins.(APPLAUSE)Judge Johnny.Sean? Have you got a mascot
this evening?Oh, yeah, I have.
I found this thing. You know, sometimes,
you find something and you go, “This is just hilarious. “I can’t believe I’ve found
something this much fun”? It’s just brilliant.
It’s a singing fish. It’s just… Also, I found this.“Ho-ho! Keep your hands
away from my cookie jar!”So, like, someone wants to take
a biscuit, and they open it…“Ho-ho! Keep your hands away
from my cookie jar!”..and they go,
“What the hell is going on?” Then they think,
“Oh, better not touch that.” It doesn’t say
what’s going to happen.Well, why is he storing them
if he doesn’t want anyone to…?“Keep your hand
away from my cookie jar!# I was petrified… #“Ho-ho! Keep your hands
away from my cookie jar!”(CRAZY FROG RINGTONE PLAYS)
Sorry, just got a phone call.Oh, no – it’s withheld number. Good luck editing this lot together!(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)Let’s put those down.No, I am –
I’m just trying something.“Ho-ho! Keep your hands
away from my cookie jar!If you angle it just right,
he taps the top of your penis.You can eat and not worry
about having a girlfriend.“Ho-ho! Keep your hands away
from my cookie jar!”That’s the spot.“Ho-ho! Keep your hands away
from my cookie jar!”You just took a cookie out.
He told you 15 times!He’s very ineffectual.“Ho-ho! Keep your hands away
from my cookie jar!”(MUFFLED SPEECH)No!I’m serious, Johnny!
Don’t mess with my cookie jar!VIC: Are they real cookies?
(AUDIENCE GROANS)That’s been in his mouth, my hands.Oh, really? I don’t care.OK. Rob, have you got a mascot?Yeah, I have. Normally, I bring on
my big bears as a mascot, sort of…..a bit of support.
I’ve got, like, a six-foot one…Have we got a picture?
..and a nine-foot one.Oh, there he is – to give me
some support, the old big bear.That’s back from when
your shirt used to fit.Yes, it was.Have you got another big bear?It’s not really working,
’cause we kept losing.Six-foot, nine-foot –
twelve-foot might do it.I thought that, but I thought,
“Maybe I need to think outside the
box.”So what I’ve done
is I’ve got Little Bear.SARAH: Aw!Really small, ain’t he?I mean, it’s just Sarah’s boobs,
now, in that shot.We can put him in-between,
if you want. He’ll probably balance quite well.
I think you’ll lose him.No, no – it’s claggy,
so it’ll stick…Claggy Bear. Oh, there he is!Want me to keep him safe?I think the cameraman is thinking,
“I’m not sure I can do this.”I tell you what, Mr Whitely,
he’s turning in his grave right now.I love your tiny bear.
I hope he brings you luck.Sarah, do you have a mascot?
Yes, I do.Well, I have quite a bad run
on this show of being rubbish at it and I was quite good at school, so I thought, “Maybe if I adopted
some of the things from school”, so…something I didn’t have
at school that I think I could have done with is,
like, an anti-bullying kit.Oh.
So, this is my schoolbag.So, in here, first of all, I’ve got a stick that I can get
my bag back out of trees with. Erm – so, there’s that. And then
I’ve also got wedgie-proof knickers.Wedgie-proof knickers?Wedgie-proof knickers,
which are like that.Oh, wow.They’re comfy once they’re on,
but it takes, like, three men, some lube
and a shoehorn to get them on. And, eh…
Want me to hold your knickers?Thank you, if don’t mind. You can probably wear them
on your head, to be honest. It’s just some wet wipes to get
rid of the spit on my back.Sorry – some wet wipes to do what?
To get rid of the spit off my back.You were quite sexually
adventurous in school.Uh… I’m quite hurt by that. Now you’ve made me wonder
if it wasn’t spit, as well.OK, over in Dictionary Corner,
we’ve got Vic Reeves.Oh! Wahey!Vic, you’re part of a very famous
and well-renowned double actwith Bob Mortimer.How does working
with Susie Dent compare?Susie? Well, there’s the same…..scent…I suppose.(SNIFFS)
What do Susie and Bob smell of?Um…..diesel.And with Vic, of course,
it’s Susie Dent.Susie recently said that
if she wasn’t a lexicographer,she’d be a midwife.Say what you want about Susie,
she loves looking up things.Do you have any
irrational phobias, Susie?I have one big phobia.
Go on, what’s your phobia?I haven’t met anyone else
who has got this,but I hate getting wrinkly fingers,
so I can’t ever have a long bath.Just keep your hands in the air.I do that when I swim, when I swim
with my kids, I do that.Have you developed a new stroke?Do people just think you’ve brought
the party to the beach?OK. In charge of the numbers,
it’s Rachel Riley.Rachel has appeared on Countdown,
The Gadget Show and Strictly.Is there anything Rachel can’t do?
Yes. Dance.Rachel, you seem very calm and
collected on this show at all times.Is there anything that really
makes you lose your temper?Um…just the usual stuff, like animal cruelty
or religious persecution or if someone tries to tell
me the numbers answer before I’ve got it on Countdown.If someone tells you
how to do it before…?It’s most annoying
if I’m watching it back at home and then I get it before I get it.Are you saying the only person
that gets it before you is you?She’s so smug. Like, TV me,
she’s really annoying.So, you’ve watched yourself back
and you annoy you?Yeah. Sorry. I’m sorry.Yeah, you say sorry to yourself.
Yeah.(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this –the Countdown bunk bed.(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE)I quite like that.Do they not understand
how bunk beds work?Do we actually get to keep that?
Yeah.‘Cause I seriously might up me game.For the bunk beds?
Yeah.Yeah, but you’d want them
to change the sheets.Also, if you’d worn pants,
this would be a better view.OK, let’s Countdown.
Time for the first game.Sarah and Rob, you get the first
pick of the letters.Do you want to pick the letters?
Can I get a vowel, please?Thank you, Rob. A.Um, a C one. I can’t say the word.Consonant?
Yeah.N.
Constinant.Near enough.
Alright, innit?Another constinant.
T.A vowel.I’ve got one!
E.And then another vowel.
I.Another vowel. And then bang on
a couple of C-bombs at the end.A, J and…B.OK, and your time starts now.(DELICATE VERSION OF
COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS)(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)Sarah, how many letters?
Five.Rob?
Five.Good for you. Johnny?
Six.Nice. Sean?(MUMBLES) Yeah…five.Five. OK. Sarah, your five.
BANTS – like, sparring. BANTS.Is that a word yet? I mean,
I feel like it’s going to be a word.I could probably get a point
in a couple of years. You can add it on.We can hold it for you for
the next time you’re on, yeah.Is BANTS in there, Susie?
Not in mine.Rob, what’s your five?
BITESBITES.
That’s a word, innit, Sooz?It is. Very appropriate.Sean, your five?
BEAST.OK. Johnny, what was your six,
for the points?JIBANT.
JIBANT.What, now?
“To jibe…a lot.”JIBANT.
JIBANT.Someone who does a lot of jibing,
a JIBANT.Susie, is JIBANT a word?
Eh, no.To jib, to jibe, to jas,
to jibas, jibatis, jibant.Jesus Christ – know your Latin!Well, five points to both teams.Vic, Susie,
could they have done any better?I got a sevener!
And I got it – didn’t I? –without looking in there
or anything.Nothing – I got it out of me mind.ABSTAIN.
ABSTAIN!Vic Reeves, come on.Why couldn’t you get that, Johnny?We’ve got some more here, as well.BASANITE, which is a kind of rock,
isn’t it?Yeah. That’s just a seven.And BASINET.
Oh, it’s a little…uh…Helmet.
Yeah.On to our first numbers round. Sean
and Johnny, your turn to pick the
numbers.Two from the top and the rest from
everywhere else, please, Rachel.Thank you, Sean. Two large,
four little. And they are… 5, 1, 9, 3, and the big ones, 75 and 100. And the target…426.OK, and your time starts…now.Um, did you get it, Sean?
No – 425.OK. Johnny, did you get it?
I did – first time ever.In years of watching!Sarah, did you get it?
No, I got 424.Rob, did you get it?Yeah…I think I have.(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)Yay!OK, well, no-one is more shocked.We’re going to have a steward’s
inquiry into this.I’ve got it written down.
Let’s see – how did you get it?100 X 5.100 X 5=500.500 – 75.425.
425 + 1.426. Well done.(APPLAUSE)That’s an easier way to do it. I did it times four…Johnny Vegas,
did you do it the same way?Well, yeah, basically.Well, 10 points to both teams.The scores at the moment are
Sean and Johnny have 15 points,Sarah and Rob also have 15 points.Here is your teaser –
the words are BALL RISE.The clue is –
hangs slightly to the left.That’s BALL RISE –
hangs slightly to the left.See you after the break.Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser – the words were BALL RISE,the clue was
“Hangs slightly to the left.”It was, of course, LIBERALS.So at the moment,
both teams have 15 points.Time to mix things up
a little bit, I think.They’ve been playing in teams so farbut this game is just
for Johnny and Rob.So, Johnny, your turn to choose
the letters.Vowel, please.
Thank you, Johnny. O.Consonant.
R.Vowel.
A.Aww, I’m on a roll here! Consonant, please.
T.(GROANS) Erm… Another consonant, please.T.
Vowel, please.E.Vowel, please.
U.And consonant.
L.Consonant, please.
And the last one… G.And your time starts now.Rob, what have you got?
I got…Just counting them. Six.Johnny.
I’ve got a five.OK, what’s your five, Johnny?
GREAT.Rob, what did you get?
What’s your six?RATTLE.
RATTLE.R-A-T-T-L-E.
Well, six points to Rob.Well done.
(APPLAUSE)(DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE)So, Vic, Susie, could they
have done any better?What is that? Tute…TUTORAGE.
TUTORAGE!Oh, like, you’re being tutored.Yes, it’s like tutelage.
TUTORAGE! I’ve just been tutored!TUTORAGE. OK, so at the end of that,Sean and Johnny have 15,
Sarah and Rob have 21.(APPLAUSE)
Remember this moment!Now it’s time for Sean and Sarah
to go head-to-head.Sarah, your turn to
pick the numbers.Can I have two big ones
and the rest small, please?Two biggies, four little ‘uns,and for this round,
the little ‘uns are 8, 3,7, another 7,and the big ones, 100 and 50.And your target – 620.OK, and your time starts now.Sarah, did you get it?
No.I think I’ve got 629.Sean, did you get it?
619.No, I’ve got 619,
that’s what I’ve got! Sorry, my maths
at the last minute was wrong. I’ve got 619, the same. Yeah.
Sarah, how did you do it?Oh, fuck.
(LAUGHTER)7 x 100=700. 700 – 50=650.Yeah.
3 x 8=24.24 + 7=31.
Take that away from the 650 is 619.Yeah, well done, one away.Sean, how did you do it?
Same way.So, that’s seven points
to both teams!(APPLAUSE)Rachel, could it be done?
Yes, you could have said…7 x 100=700.The other 7 + 3=10.10 x 8=80.And take it away, 620.(APPLAUSE)OK, Sean and Johnny have 22.
Sarah and Rob have 28.(APPLAUSE)I’ve broken new ground!
I’ve never gone this far before.I don’t think you’ve ever
been in the lead before.
Never!Sarah’s never won.
No. Can we stop the show now?We’re doing ever so well.I might have a fake heart attack
to get out of it.If anyone’s going to fake a heart
attack, it should really be Johnny.I don’t have to fake, mate,
I have one a day.It’s what wakes you up, isn’t it?Yeah. Who needs an alarm clock? Just
that numbness in the arm and the… (GASPS)OK… Time to go across
to Dictionary Corner.Vic, what have you got for us?What have I got for you? Right, well, now, look. I’ve been
recently working for a drug baron.(LAUGHTER)So I cocked up
on one of the shipments, so I got chased by a couple
of his henchmen through a marketplace and ran down a little slender alley through a room with some
Chinese people having their dinner and as I did, actually, as I did, I just nicked a little bit
of fried chicken and winked at one of the elder
daughters, who winked back at me, so, you know,
might be something in that. Jumped out of the window,
went down another alley, went into a nightclub,
then I ran past the drug baron, who was in the VIP area,
with some half-naked women, prostitutes, if you like. Anyway, I ran past him,
the henchmen still on my back, ran into the toilets and thought, “I’m going to hide myself
in one of the cubicles.” And whilst I was there,
I thought, “Do you know what? “This is rather an ironic paradox
for my life, you know. “Someone would go into the toilet
and do their daily ablutions “but I’m in here hiding,
my life’s going to end,” so I thought, “What I’ll do is,
I’ll write a song about it.” And it goes like this.(CYMBAL TAPS)# Flush, flush, flush # Flush, flush, flush # Flush, flush, flush # The smallest room # The room of easement # A place of concealment # The lavatory # Dunny, bog or restroom # John, can or khazi # It’s the finale # Of yesterday’s sausages # And it’s flush, flush,
farewell, my friends # You’re going off around the bend # Round the bend and away, my friends # Straight to the bowels of the # Flush, flush, farewell, my friends # You’re going off around the bends # Round the bends
and away, my friends # Straight to
the bowels of the earth. # Farewell, my friends.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)See you in hell.
Vic Reeves, everyone.And here is your teaser.The words are SNOG A TIT.
The clue is “I’ll drink to that.”That’s SNOG A TIT – I’ll drink
to that. See you after the break.Welcome back. The answer
to the teaser –the words were SNOG A TIT
the clue was “I’ll drink to that.”It was, of course, TOASTING.So Sean and Johnny have 22.Sarah and Rob are
in the lead with 28.But before we go on with the game,
time for a Countdown bonus round,a chance for our teams to win
some valuable extra points.Tonight, we’re going to be testing
their artistic abilities,and they have to draw
the Countdown life model.(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)Rachel, life modelling – I don’t
know if you’ve done this before,but you’re actually going
to do this this evening.Well, I was going to, but then you
took the piss out of my dancing, and so I don’t really feel like it.I think you’re really,
really good at dancing.(LAUGHTER)Well, if you’re not
doing it, who’s doing it?
I just got a close replacement.We look similar naked, so…We’re not even going to
notice the difference.You’ve got sketch pads
in front of you.You’re going to be doing
some life drawing.Johnny, you’re a talented artist –
I know you’re a potter,but you went to art school.The best picture from our teams
will win five bonus points.If you’d like to take your
place in the middle.SEAN: Whilst you’re doing it,
could you explain dark matter?(LAUGHTER)And the big bang theory.
OK, have you got your pens ready?ALL: Yeah.
Please, go ahead.The Countdown life model,
your time starts now.Oh!
Oh, my goodness!(LAUGHTER)The interesting thing, really,
is the cock-to-ball ratio there.(LAUGHTER)Now, are you just drawing that?
Yeah.You’re really focusing
on one area.Yeah.Has anyone spotted he’s got a head?
You could draw that as well.I started on the head
and I’m doing the shaft now.(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)I would say you’ve absolutely
nailed these knees.Thanks.
He’s got his cock out!(LAUGHTER)Looks very familiar.Oh, it’s changed how it was
when it started!(LAUGHTER)Just a few seconds left. You’ve got
to finish off your drawings.Five, four, three, two, one –
pens down, everyone.OK, ladies and gentlemen,
the Countdown life model!(APPLAUSE)Rob, can we take a look
at your picture?I did sort of, like, more of a
profile, because I was on the side
of it.Sure. Let’s take a look.
So gone for that.(LAUGHTER)I’ve got to say, even…
Mm.(LAUGHTER)I was expecting better
even from you.Well…
Did he have clown shoes on?No, he didn’t.I can only draw what I see, Jim.
No, sure, you’re an artist.Sarah, can we take
a look at yours?You can.
(LAUGHTER)So, what I’ve done is
I’ve kind of replicatedthe cock and balls with his
nose and his mouth as well.I don’t know if you can see that.Oh, yeah!
I’m quite pleased with that.Do you know what the interesting
thing about that is?If I had to pick him out of a
line-up, I’d be able to identify him
from that.You’ve really captured his essence.Yeah, I thought so. I mean…..I could see his essence.
(LAUGHTER)Sean, can we take a look at yours?(LAUGHTER)I ran out of paper for the head.The way you’re holding it,
it kind of looks like your head’s just on top of it.(LAUGHTER)Johnny, can we take a look at yours?I tried to draw it quite
sympathetic, because I’ve…Lots of life models have modelled
for me in the past,and lots of court cases
have followed, but…(LAUGHTER)I tried to do a close
representation. So…Johnny Vegas! You’ve nailed it!(APPLAUSE)I think we can agree –
five points go to the best picture,I think Johnny Vegas, everyone.(APPLAUSE)OK, on with the game. Sarah and Rob,
your turn to choose the letters.Can we have – let’s start with
three vowels, please, Rachel.Thank you, Sarah. I, O, E.Three consonants, please, love.V, P, M.Two vowels and a consonant.O, E and…F.OK, and your time starts now.Sarah, how many letters?
Oh, I’ve got fours.That’s all I’ve got.
Fours.OK, Rob?
I’ve got five.You’ve got five?
I told you…You’re the brains of this operation.
I’ve been reading!I’ve been reading
and working on words.Sure, OK. Sean?Four.
Four. Johnny?Four.
OK. Johnny, your four?LOVE.
Awww.Is there an L?
There’s no L, mate.(LAUGHTER)I just really think
the L should have a little,like little over the L bit.They’ve been doing this show
for, like, 40 years.Also, when it’s up there,
someone says it. They don’t go…(LAUGHTER)My apologies. I should have been
listening better.Sean, your four?
MOVE.OK. Sarah, your four?MOPE.MOPE. Rob?I got MOVIE.
MOVIE.Five points to Rob!I’m loving this!So Rob, you got the points there,and I noticed you went a little bit
GayXchange advert.Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)“Make new friends on the telephone!”
Call me! Local lads in your area!Oh, adorable.
What a time to be alive!I’m fucking quality at this now.You’re absolutely killing it.
I’m loving it, mate.OK, Vic, Susie,
could they have done any betterthan their fours and their fives?No, it was brilliant. Him, there…(LAUGHTER)I think “brilliant” –
you might have called it too soon.OK, time to go across
to Dictionary Corner.Vic, what have you got for us?Origami, the ancient Chinese –or Swedish, or something –form of folding pieces of paper upinto a shape and then sometimes
it turns into something.It’s called origami. Tell you what,
let’s have some music. Come on.(MUSIC STARTS)
Origami!The ancient art of folding
pieces of paper!The ancient Japanese art of folding
pieces of paper into a shape.Origami! O, R,G, I, R, A, M, O, A…(LAUGHTER)Origamo!
(LAUGHTER)Origami!The Japanese art of folding paper!Into a kangaroo, maybe!A tree! Something else!You just don’t know
till you’ve folded itand it turns into something.Origami!Right, now, what has it
turned out to be?Oh, hang on a minute!Look over there, everyone! Kirk
Douglas has risen from the grave!Can’t see him.
No, he hasn’t.No, sorry, my mistake.Anyway, the ancient Japanese artof folding paper into
the shape of a unicorn.(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Reeves!OK, the scores at the moment –
Sean and Johnny have 27,Sarah and Rob have 33.(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)And here is your final teaser.
The words are ASS COCKS,and the clue is – they’re
favoured by the clergy.That’s ASS COCKS,
they’re favoured by the clergy.See you after the break.Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were ASS COCKS.The clue was –
they’re favoured by the clergy.It was of course, CASSOCKS.Time for a final letters game.
It’s all still to play for.Sean and Johnny have 27.
Sarah and Rob have 33,so you’re just in the lead. Sean,
your chance to choose the letters.I’ll have a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Sean. I.Ooh! An I, Johnny. That’s an I.(LAUGHTER)I’ll have another vowel, please.O.
Another vowel, please.E.
Consonant. Please.Move it!
P.Another consonant.
S.Another consonant.
M.Another consonant.
S.Another consonant.
R.Vowel, please.
And the last one, A.OK, and your time starts now.Thanks, man.
Thank you very muchly.Just pass that over to Johnny.
(LAUGHTER)I got you desserts, everyone.I’ve got quite a big mouth,
reckon I get one of them all in?Go on, give it a go.
Can I take the strawberries off?They might choke me.
Get rid of the fruit, love.Yeah, you want to get rid of the
fruit, that could be good for you.No! No!(APPLAUSE)
Oh! Oh, my God.Well, that is the best GayXchange
ad we have seen so far.(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)Yes. There’s a good boy.
There’s a good boy.(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)Oh, no, Johnny, we haven’t quite
finished yet, have we?(LAUGHTER)
Just a little bit to go.Please, Papa, I will practise
the piano better next time.Look, I’ll help.(LAUGHTER)Don’t you feel good now?Father, why must we clean everything
up before Mother comes home?(LAUGHTER)Do you want a wet wipe, Johnny?Oh, yeah, just the one.
(LAUGHTER)No! He does not want one of those!
He wants a spoon.Can I have a wet wipe when
I’ve finished it, Father?No, I will hose you down
as normal. (LAUGHTER)Sean, we’ve got a few minutes
left of the show,so if Johnny can finish that…‘Cause people don’t
want to see food wasted.No, that would be terrible.
OK.No, don’t. Don’t, Johnny. Is anybody else really
turned on right now?(LAUGHTER)I swear to God
we’re missing a trickif we don’t put up an 089 number…I used to sell tea bags,
but nowadays…..I’ve got to make the rent
in some other way.(LAUGHTER)Call me now if you want to hear me
shit this out.(LAUGHTER)Sean? How many?How many what?
Remember Countdown?I only got five.Johnny? What did you get?Seven.
No, diabetes, he got.Sarah, how many?
I’ve got… I’ve got a six.Six. OK, Rob?
Five.Let’s hear your five.
POEMS.POEMS. Your five, Sean?REAPS.
REAPS.Sarah, what was yours?
Oh, SPEARS.SPEARS.Very good. Johnny, your seven?RESPOSE. R-E-S P-O-S-E.REPOSES?RESPOSE.
RESPOSES.How many E’s are you using?How many have I got? Oh, sorry.Sorry, I meant PERSPIRE.One P. Um…Sorry, look,
I’m off me tits on cake.(LAUGHTER)I can’t read my own writing.
Well, six points to Sarah.(APPLAUSE)Thank you, Father.OK, Vic, Susie, could they have
done any better?Well, yeah. Susie came up
with a brilliant one. I looked at what she had written
down and it says PROMISES.Ooh!
That’s good.VIC: She’s so good.
All I had was SPASM.Sean and Johnny have 27. Sarah
and Rob are in the lead with 39.(APPLAUSE)You can do this as well.
The conundrum.OK, fingers on buzzers this time
for today’s Countdown Conundrum.Your time starts now.(BUZZER)CHAMPIONS.AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
Yes!Let’s have a look. It is.Sean Lock, everyone.Sarah, that means
Sean and Johnny have 37.Sarah and Rob,
you’ve got 39, you’ve won!(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)Congratulations,
you’re now the proud ownerof these Countdown bunk beds.Sarah and Rob, would you like to
climb the two bunk beds?
Yeah.Thanks to all our finalists,
our wonderful studio audienceand to all of you watching at home,
that’s it from us, goodnight!(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Captions by Red Bee Media
(c) SBS Australia 2019

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